Chris Farley

Yesterday was the 10th anniversary of the death of Chris Farley. He was a noted actor and comedian, best known for his memorable characters and sketches on Saturday Night Live. His life was cut tragicall short due to his problems with alcohol, drugs, and weight control.

The reason that I bring this is up is that rarely can I watch something over and over and still laugh out loud. Almost all of Farley's work does this to me, and incredibly, so many others. Rarely does a celebrity death make me think any differently about my life, but Farley's death really shook me when it happened, and it still saddens me ten years later. I remember going to friend's houses on Saturday nights to watch SNL, and then quoting the sketches all week long while in school. Farley seems so much a part of my youth.

I was telling Erica about the tenth anniversary of his death last night, and she reminded me that she "never really watched SNL" back then. I'm going to work diligently to bring her up to speed on classic Farley sketches thanks to YouTube. I think I'm going to start with this one:

You Sicko!

Like much of the country, we received a lot of snow this weekend. Four inches to be exact. In fact, we barely left our little apartment this weekend. We managed to traverse the snow at one point, to acquire Chinese food goodness, and a couple of movies. We rented Sicko, directed by Michael Moore, which investigates the American health care system, focusing on its for-profit health insurance and pharmaceutical industry. The film compares the non-universal and for-profit U.S. system with the universal and non-profit systems of Canada, the United Kingdom, France and Cuba. It is quite an eye-opening documentary (I guess that is the point of documentaries—no?) It’s very much worth seeing as it carefully shows why universal health care is so elusive. Basically, Sicko shows that a system that provides health care has too many inherent flaws in it to be effective and just if it is a for-profit business because maximizing profits means denying care to keep costs down. I was also humored at the attempts of those who greatly benefit from the current system (i.e., HMOs, shareholders, members of Congress, corporations) to liken universal health care to socialism. Great comedic value. Check it out if you haven’t already.



In case you were wondering, the Chinese food was not as good as the movie. But, any Chinese is good Chinese in my book.

In other news, today was the annual “Secret Santa” gift exchange here at KF. I received a great gift – a very cool chip and dip set, complete with chips and homemade salsa. It is quite amazing that a place so quiet and taciturn on the whole can become so vibrant and full of cacophony over something as simple as a gift exchange. It goes to show that environments can be shaped, and cultures transformed with intentional efforts.

I’ll be glued to tonight’s Monday Night Football matchup, as it has major implications for my fantasy football title, and thus a considerable amount of money.

A Meeting I Enjoyed

I get to attend some pretty cool meetings here at Kettering. I feel very fortunate for that. I attended one this morning that had some fascinating moments.

We had two folks here today (one from Mobile, Alabama and the other from New Orleans). They work in community organizations who were instrumental in Katrina relief efforts. The woman from Mobile told a story that really got to all of us. Before I retell the story, I should say that the purpose of the meeting was part of an ongoing effort this semester to understand communities. We're interested in what makes a community work as it should, what makes people engage/retract from community life, how communities change the ways they do politics, amongst other questions. The folks from the Gulf region were here to talk about their experiences in communities in crisis. On with the story:

Not long after the levees broke, a young couple with their two babies escaped to the rooftop of their apartment building to avoid being swept away in the rising water. Once they ascended to the top, they were greeted by another couple, who did not have children. They waited for helicopter rescue, and were met by a helicopter shortly thereafter. The childless couple that had been there first let the other couple board first and said that they would wait for rescue at a later time. It was important that the young babies find shelter and food first, they felt. Upon boarding the helicopter, the mother and father asked the other couple to hold their babies momentarily while they boarded the helicopter, as it was too difficult to try to navigate the rescue ladder and hold the children. Well, what was supposed to be a matter of moments turned into quite a bit longer, as the helicopter abruptly took off once the parents were on board. The helicopter pilot said it had reached its weight limit and couldn't return. He assured them that they would be reunited again soon. It wasn't until a fireman came into the temporary housing complex where thousands of stranded residents were taking refuge that the babies were reunited with their parents. The complex was apparently silent when the firefighter walked in, as everyone in the complex came to know of the young couple's tragedy over the course of the two weeks they shared together.

What an emotional story. There are many lessons to take from the story, but the one I took was how powerful we can be as citizens when we engage to help others.

Thursday Will Be a Good Day

There are a number of reasons why today is going to be such a good day.

1. The Mitchell Report comes out today. For those that have more productive hobbies than following baseball mercilessly, this is a MLB commisioned report into steroid usage in baseball over the last 20 years or so. It's a 400 page report, and the biggest news is that it will name 80 players by name who have used steroids in the past. A lot of controversy surrounding the report, but pretty fascinating stuff. It will be one of the most important days in baseball history in the past decade. Expected time: 2 pm.

2. Office Christmas Party! Let the open bar, awkward conversations, expensive food that I can't pronounce, and schmoozing begin. It's at a fancy place downtown, and Erica will accompany me. I'm so lucky. Well, not that lucky. I have to wear a suit all day at work today. Expected time: 6 pm.

3. NFL game on Thursday night. Who cares if it's on NFL Network and only people with Direct TV can see the game? I can follow the stats online. That means it's fantasy football playoff season. I'm currently in the semi-final game in my fraternity alumni league, which I dominate. It's a great source of second income. Expected time: 8 pm.

4. Thursday is apparently the day of the dove. Can't argue with that. It's on a T-Shirt.



5. Free lunch at work. This happens roughly 4 times a month, but the importance can't be underscored enough. I don't have to pay for food, and it will be entirely prepared for me. And it's fantastic. We have in-house caterers here at the foundation, each of whom are very excellent. Expected Time: 1 pm

There are probably many more, but this looks like it for now. Hope your Thursday (or whatever day you're reading this on) is equally stirring.

My Brother

This is my first attempt at embedding video on my blog, so I hope it works. I didn't want to get in a habit of posting videos here, but this one is very special.

This video stars my brother, Scott. He plays the role of a sniper in the United States Army. He is very good at this role, mostly because he plays a sniper in real life. He is the third person to talk in the video. (Please note his use of the term "instinctual" as confirmation that it is indeed him.)

More importantly, Scott has served our country overseas in the Iraq war for one tour, and is about to embark on another tour in Afghanistan in the spring. We wish him the very best, and rest easy knowing that people like him protect our country, which allows all of us to do whatever it is that we do. Check the video out, and let me know what you think in the comment section.

And They're Off....

Today is an important day for my sanity.

With this, my last application for graduate school (Ph.D.), I am finished applying.



It was a long, ardous journey. I applied to ten schools in all. They are:


University of Minnesota
Boston College
Ohio State University
Penn State
University of Michigan
UCLA
Stanford
New York University
Loyola (Chicago)
University of Maryland

The application process was surely long and expensive. Tons of forms, each with their own nuanced requirements. Each school ranged in application fees from $40 - $110. The GRE cost me $140. In sum, the whole expenditure cost me roughly $800. I hope I did everything correctly. If not, I'm sure they'll let me know. I should start getting letters back in late February/early March. Keep your fingers crossed!

Thanksgiving

Erica and I sure have a lot to be thankful for. We have countless blessings in our lives, including our families and friends. We went back to Michigan for Thanksgiving, splitting our time between her family and mine. We had two great meals, played some games, and caught up on some much needed sleep. We arrived back in Ohio stuffed, tired, and happy. Only a couple of weeks and we'll be back for the holidays.

My Job

I know I have it pretty good at my job--I get to explore my research interests, it's great preparation for a Ph.D. program, the people are excellent, the pay is good. But today, it got even better.

Just so I won't get too chilly in the morning when I arrive in my office, someone has been turning on the heater for me prior to my arrival. Imagine the horror if I had to endure 65 degree tempatures when I sat down at my desk! Yikes!

Kettering Sure Is Pretty This Time of Year

As much as the Midwest gets cursed (rightfully so) in the Winter, the Falls are absolutely beautiful. It's my favorite time of year. It's nice that my workplace is so well manicured. It makes this time of year even more beautiful. Here are some pictures.

Guitar Hero

Video games have long been a passion of mine, which may come to a shock to many of you. I drifted away from them in graduate school, but have since picked up again. I usually only play war and sports games, neither of which Erica enjoys. This means we have never been able to share this interest.

That is, until now.



We splurged a bit and purchased Guitar Hero III. It is a game that has a miniature guitar as a controller, and you have to play "notes" on that appear on the screen corresponding to various songs. It allows those with little or no musical talent to "rock out." More importantly, it provides us a way to play video games together. It is more addicting than any video game I've ever played. It features "Talk Dirty To Me" by Poison, which is my all-time favorite song. It is euphoric.

5 Ways to Instantly Appear More Productive

Let's face it. We're not always as productive as we should be when we're at work. That doesn't mean we can appear to be more productive. Here are 5 easy ways I thought of to create the ever important illusion that you are indeed being more productive.

(5) Carry a folder - Whenever you leave your desk, pick up a random folder and carry it with you. You're bathroom break instantly looks more productive, as does going to get your mail.

(4) Stick a pencil in your ear - This one takes almost no effort. Simply put a pencil behind your ear. If this doesn't make you don't look like you're on a deadline and you mean business, I don't know what will. (Note: Mechanical pencils will not suffice. It must be a yellow pencil.)


















(3) Befriend Post-It notes - Add a couple of post it notes to your computer monitor. Write things like "Conference call, 3:30" or "Download Regression Report ASAP" on them, and voila! You're busy, productive, and important.















(2) Keep a messy desk - If a messy desk equals a cluttered mind, what does a clean desk indicate? An empty mind! Go ahead and stack some papers on your desk, and open a couple of folders and spread them around on your desk. It only takes a few seconds each morning, and you'll be well on your way to the coveted "Employee of the Month" award.

(1) Alter your dress slightly - This is the only gender-specific tip. If you're a guy, roll up your sleeves a bit, or slightly loosen your tie. This will show that you're really getting into your work, and you can't have blood restriction to your head be the cause of being unproductive. Similarly, you can't let your sleeves get in the way of your work. For women, well, I'm not sure what you could do. The sleeves trick still applies, but you can't exactly loosen your tie. Sorry.

Hope these help. Do you have any others?

Unhappy Construction Workers

I read an article this week that highlighted a recent study showing linkages between certain jobs and depression rates. It showed that people who work closely with the elderly and children have high rates of depression (closely followed by food servers), while those who work in engineering, architecture, construction, and surveying have the lowest depression rates. Fair enough, I guess. Caring for human life is a taxing profession, so I can see that. Engineers, architects, and construction workers probably love being outside and enjoy a comfortable lifestyle.

But here's my question: If you were to observe 100 caretakers and 100 construction workers for a week who would you think would seem happier?

I think it would overwhelmingly be caretakers; exactly the opposite of the aforementioned study.

When I read this article the other day, I got to thinking about how despite their evidence that construction workers enjoy such a low depression rate, I don't know that I've ever seen a smiling construction worker in my life. Have you? Don't these pictures seem strange?

Living Hard

As evidenced by my ITunes library that recently eclipsed 10,000 songs, I'm clearly a music fanatic. Elvis, Johnny Cash, Cross Canadian Ragweed, whatever... I love most any music. However, it's rare that a CD has me waiting for 6 months in anticipation. It's even more rare that uncommon that when the CD finally arrives, it lives up to my expectations and captures me in such a way that I have a hard time articulating.

Well, yesterday it happened. My favorite artist, Gary Allan, released "Living Hard"--his seventh studio album. And wow, it is amazing. I haven't stopped listening to it since I scurried to the store yesterday morning to purchase it.



The CD packs a very emotional punch, as Gary wrote most of the songs (a rarity these days) as a way to reconcile his very troubled past. A couple of years ago, Gary's wife, Angela, asked him to check on one of the kids, and he said, "I just put them to bed, everyone's fine." Moments later, she said, "Would you go get me a Coke? I feel like I'm sick." Shortly after he walked to the kitchen, Gary heard a loud pop. "It sounded like she had thrown something," he says. "I had a gun safe underneath the bed and she had taken the pistol, stuck it in her mouth and pulled the trigger. She was on the bed. She was gone." Gary would later say that he had absolutely no idea she was depressed.

The CD is chock full of songs that cut to the core of every human emotion that we all feel but are reluctant to air: frustration, helplessness, vices, love, loss, loneliness, recovery, moving on, and everything in between. Each song is an experience unto itself, and the entire CD is incredibly touching.

It's worth noting that Gary Allan is a country musician, typically cast aside of the mainstream because he isn't "pop" enough for the current state of country music. He is an iconic example of commitment to your beliefs, reflection, and self-expression, irrespective of environmental pressures (i.e., pressures to change his sound and image). It's also worth extracting another lesson from this story, which is that inspiration, truth, and beauty can be found in seemingly unlikely places, like the New Releases shelf in Wal-Mart. And it will only run you $12.98.

Helping Elderly Men Cross the Street

It's been a while, and I thought I'd take time to reflect.

I was walking in uptown Oxford the other night, and had a very unexpected experience. I was waiting to cross the street, and a woman, who looked to be in her 50s and a man who looked to be in his 80s waited on the opposite side of the street. As traffic dissipated, we both started to cross. I watched as the woman led the man (presumably her father) across the street by his arm. It was roughly 60 degrees outside, but he was bundled up and looked to be hunkered down for a blizzard. It was very cute. As I observed them crossing the street, I became captivated by their conversation. She was telling him to hold on tight, hurry up, and other polite directions. He was taking very small steps, and not walking too quickly as his age was certainly limiting his speed. He told her that he didn't want to be out too late tonight, because he wanted to watch the Cleveland Indians, because they had a chance to close out the division tonight and earn a playoff berth.

When I heard that statement, I almost stopped in the crosswalk. It might as well have been my (late) grandfather crossing the street with my mother. In fact, for me, it was. I smiled at the couple as we met, both going our opposite directions. I was filled for the next few minutes with thoughts of my grandfather. It was incredibly emotional. Here was a man, late in his life, scared to cross the street, dressed in winter clothes during the summer, unhappy about the inconvenience of going out, and all he could think about was that he had to be home at 7:05 to watch the Indians. My grandfather, an avid Red Sox fan, was the same way. Regardless of how his body was failing him later in life, he was still concerned with the Red Sox, and even the Yankees. (Of course he was only concerned that the Yankees didn't win, or steal a coveted free agent away from the Sox.)

This is a very special time of the year for me. Baseball is a big part of my life, and that can be largely attributed to my grandfather. Playoff baseball is a magical experience for me, and sometimes all it takes is a happenstance interaction with an elderly stranger to remind me why.

Are You Going to a Job Interview?

As you know, I commute a considerable distance to work (40 miles, one way). I always stop for gas in Trenton, Ohio--a very small, conservative, working class town--because they have the cheapest fuel around.

When I drive to work, I often think of how my journey begins and ends in two very affluent places (Oxford and Kettering Foundation), but most of the drive is a working class environment, with an economy stimulated by coal, steel, and manual labor. I don't always appreciate the beauty of Trenton and Middletown, especially when I get caught by one of their trains. Sometimes I'm even oblivious to the contrast in my commute, except when certain things happen to jar me out of my ignorance.

I am forced to wear a shirt and tie everyday to work. I've grown to tolerate it, but it's certainly not my preference. When I stop to get fuel, I occasionally notice some awkward stares from fellow gas station patrons, but I assume it's because I drive a yellow SUV. This probably isn't the case, I've decided. You see, when the gas station attendant waits on me, and if I'm feeling conversational, he/she often asks if I'm going to a job interview. The first few times it happened, I shrugged it off, but after the fifth or sixth time, I began to wonder why I kept getting that question. I have thought a lot about it, and I can only figure that I'm probably the only person they see in the morning wearing a shirt and tie. I decided to test my hypothesis, and follow up with a probing question the next time I was asked.

It finally happened this morning.

After I was asked--almost verbatim--if I was going to a job interview, I politely asked, "Why would you think that?," to which the woman responded, "Because you're all dressed up."

Fair enough, I guess. Considering this woman probably waits on 300 people in the morning, 5 or 6 days a week, and I'm probably the only one in a shirt and tie, I can't argue with her line of thinking. It just makes me more cognizant of who I am.

Celebrating the Day of My Birth

Yesterday, I turned 26. We had a little celebration at work, Erica made (bought) me a cake, we ate dinner with some very good friends, and played Uno with some other friends (they are very good friends, too). Erica had already given me my present a week early, which is shown below.

(this will probably be the topic of a future blog post. For now, though, just know that it is an unhealthy obsession I've had since 1994.)

As I was driving home yesterday from work, I began to reflect on my birthday, and what it all meant. My reflections can best be described by the following:

No more break in car insurance premiums, no more bar night excitement. Just new digits! As I was reflecting, I quickly started thinking about my life. There are only two conclusions I could draw:

and

All kidding aside, it was a great birthday. Thanks to all who wished me well!

I Might Have a Screw (Or Two) Loose, But....

Someone in this world thinks that I need to have my cabinets refinished. He/she is so sure of this fact, that he/she emails me at work every morning at 9:00 am.

Every morning when I arrive at work, I exchange pleasantries with co-workers, put my lunch in the refrigerator, make some green tea, and try to catch up on the world while I was sleeping. As soon as I finish, just like clock work, I hear a faint "ding" that lets me know someone cares enough about me to send an email. I admittedly get excited, only to discover it is from "Cabinet Refinishing" with the subject line "Your Guide to Do-It-Yourself Cabinet Refinishing."

I'm not sure what about my demographics says "do-it-yourself," "cabinets," "refinishing," or any combination of the three, but someone sure thinks so. I'd like to meet him/her and get the bottom of this.

I guess there are worse things to be solicited for online (e.g, .... well, you know what they are), but I can't seem to figure this one out. For now, I'll just take sanctity in the fact someone cares enough to email me with what he/she deems my best interest at heart!

Leadership Lineage

A couple of weeks ago, I attended Sigma Pi University, an international leadership conference for Sigma Pi brothers. 350 people were in attendance--the largest ever gathering at one of these events. I was asked to present on two things I know very little about: planning chapter retreats and crisis management. The presentations went pretty well, although I'm still surprised that students are interested in crisis management at 9:30 in the morning.

As with any conference, the informal gathering time was the best. I was able to reconnect with many brothers I met on the road during my time as a traveling leadership consultant. I was also able to connect with my chapter brothers from SVSU. Here is a picture of all 4 of us. Coincidentally, we are all past Sages (presidents) from our chapter.

You'll notice the haziness of the picture. It was probably 124 degrees that day, and I was in a shirt and tie. Needless to say, I nearly combusted after this photo was taken.

The trip also solidified my LOVE for Nashville. It is an amazing city, with great live music. I hope to live there (or a similar city) when all is said and done.

Mr. & Mrs. Johnson

Here we are. We have over 955 images, so I just thought I'd post a few of them here. Don't know what else to say, other than it was the best day of my life!

Wedding Post #2 - Rehearsal Dinner

Practice makes perfect; or so they say. After the bachelor party festivities, we commenced to rehearsing. Erica made me wear a shirt and tie so I could be presentable. (Just kidding. Love you honey.)

Everyone arrived on time, and we were set to go. We began by signing the marriage license a day early (please don't tell anyone). Pictured with us is Father Charlie, the man who helped make our marriage so. We couldn't imagine working with anyone else who was so kind and easy-going. He made us so feel comfortable throughout the whole experience.


This is the illustrious best man and maid of honor. They were signing the license here so we had official witnesses. (Side note: In Vegas, for an extra $200, your witnesses can be Sonny and Cher, Bonnie and Clyde, or Johnny and June Cash.)




One hour later, we were done with rehearsal, and ready to chow down on some pizza, salad, and cake.

Here we are all getting ready to eat so pizza and salad. Everyone looks so happy! (Notice only one person is paying attention in the photo.)








This would prove to be good practice for the following day:



And finally, this man. The rehearsal dinner took place in the town bowling alley. We stumbled across a very important person in the town, who apparently was a really good bowler. From birth, this man was destined to be a bowler, I'm sure.

I think I dragged everyone at the dinner to see this picture. I couldn't get enough of this guy. So happy he is. At this point, we were only one day away from being as happy as Mr. Ball.....

"Leave nothing for tomorrow which can be done today."

Do you know who said that quote? This guy:


This little gem comes from last weekend's trip to Nashville. We were at a "trailer park" bar (has an old car you can sit on, mismatching lawn furniture, old tires, green AstroTurf), having a few big boy pops, and who walks through the door? ABE LINCOLN. I, like other bar goers, couldn't believe me eyes. He looked just like Abe Lincoln. His beard was real, his eyes looked old and wise. He spoke very little. He had a top hat. I solicited him for the picture, and felt very uneasy talking with him. Quite possibly the strangest bar night I've ever had.

I spoke with our waitress, who tells us he is a real "Abe Lincoln impersonator." This brings up a multitude of questions:

• How does one choose this line of work?
• Are there fake impersonators?
• Is this a full-time job?
• Are his circle of friends fellow presidential impersonators?

(Better pictures to follow soon.)

New Hobby - Gardening

A small but dedicated group of us at work make use of the elaborate garden that Kettering so graciously provides us. Anyone can claim a plot (or more), but only a few of us do. My motivation for getting involved was purely pragmatic, as I figured I could save a few bucks by growing some food rather than paying grocery store prices. Like many fellow gardeners, I find myself relishing (pun intended) the experience more than the harvest. I think this is something I'll continue later in life.


Here is a copy of the report I filed for others at the foundation:

TO: Kettering Foundation Staff

FROM: The Gardening Group (Lara, Derek, Matt)

CC: Mother Earth

DATE: August 1, 2007

SUBJECT: Mid-Season Report

The Gardening Group has experienced a very successful first half of the season, and wishes to file a mid-season report. We have produced many cucumbers, peppers, greens, tomatoes, peas, beans, and basil. We “weathered” some attacks from squash bugs and things of the like, but managed to recover quickly.

While we are always happy to share our harvest, we are even happier to welcome new members into our group. We plan to plant our second harvest in a couple of weeks.

Bachelor Party

Here is the first installment of the wedding weekend -- the bachelor party. (Don't worry, this entry is parent and work-friendly.)

The bachelor party was a great time, due to the fine planning of my best man. The day began with a little golf accompanied by a friendly wager,


followed by some great Chinese cuisine (my favorite),


and ended with a limo bus extravaganza. We had 14 guys on the limo bus, which we had from 9 pm - 3 am. We took advantage of all six hours. Here was the result at the end of the night.


(I'm fine in this picture, I just ad-libbed the case for effect!)

If I can get serious for a moment sans the beer case hat, this was one of the best days of my life. Spending the day with 15 of my closest friends (Dad, bro-in-law included), was truly a wonderful feeling. Some came from as close as a half mile, some came from over 2,000 miles away. I think that says it all.

Special thanks to all who came, and a very special thanks to Rob for putting so much thought and planning into making this day unlike any other.

Matt Simpson

Taking a page from Julie's Blog, I decided to create my own Simpson character, to see what I would look like if I was a cartoon character on The Simpsons.

I think they got it right! What do you think?

(Wedding pictures coming soon... we hope!)

Fear Not...

Fear not fellow blogospherians: a wedding post(s) will be coming soon. The pictures are going to be in by Wednesday, and I'll post them thereafter. I'm going to make 4 separate posts, to document the bachelor party, rehearsal dinner, wedding day, and honeymoon.

I feel terrible keeping my fans waiting, but life is hectic but great right now. For now, here is a picture of a giraffe.

I Was a Hambone in College

I came across the word "hamble" today in my readings. I was forced to look up the definition, as I sometimes am when I read. Hamble means to limp or stumble when walking. Interesting, huh? Not in many online dictionaries on which I heavily rely. I had to resort to the mammoth dictionary, which is prominently displayed on a lectern in the corner of our building. In my online searchings for the word, I stumbled across the urban dictionary's closest definition, "hambone."


ham-bone
definition: Term given to male college students who are jocks, gym-rats, beer-drinkers or business majors. They generally attend frat parties and always wear a collared shirt tuck neatly into their pants. Hambones will engage in debates with other hambones that consist of "which are the best Dave Matthews Band lyrics" or the cheapest place to buy a "30-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon." The best place to spot hambones is at the gym.

usage: Dude, lets go the frat party, they'll be other hambones there and they have a beer pong table.

That is scary. That definition pretty much depicts my undergraduate experience. Replace "Dave Matthews Band" with "Poison," and you've got yourself a match. It's a good thing she wasn't scared off by my hamboning ways! 5 days and counting...

Next Sunday Night Baseball

We just found out that next Sunday after our wedding, the Detroit Tigers baseball game we have tickets to has been selected as the ESPN Sunday Night Baseball game. As you might guess, I'm more excited about this than Erica. We are hoping to get on television, and we've decided that the best way to do so is to exploit our new found marital status. What better way to do that than a flashy sign. Here it is:



Look for us Sunday night on ESPN. We'll be the ones with the biggest smiles and the coolest sign in the park!

Deleted Scene from My Favorite Movie

Micromanagement at its finest!

Jump to Conclusions Mat

Here it is. It's a prototype.

American Dad?

I was in Meijer's yesterday afternoon scoping out the perfect Father's Day card when I found myself reading almost every Father's Day card they had. I was pretty bored, Erica was out of town, but I think it was the fact that they were so engrossing. It's not that I needed a good laugh, but I couldn't help but notice the themes from the cards. Card after card, row after row, shelf after shelf, the same tired, superficial themes kept coming up. I've listed all ten themes here, in no particular order.

1. Money - Dad is a good source for money. As a kid, irrespective of your age, Dad has money. Dad's money is your money, but you have to beg for it.
   
2. Remote Control - Dad has primary jurisdiction of the remote control. Since everyone watches gobs of television, it is only right that someone reigns supreme over the programming. That is where Dad comes in, with a little help from technology.
   
3. Remorseful Behavior - You were/are a hellian, and you sort of feel bad about it. Not bad enough to genuinely tell him about it, just bad enough to have a cartoon duck tell him.
4. Beer - All dads drink beer, presumably to escape the problems that you created for him with the help of your siblings. His troubles at work are part of it, but you really compound the problem. He really appreciates it when you bring him a beer from the fridge. He's still working on a robotic device that will fetch beer for him, at which time you will be phased out. But, he's at least two years away from a prototype. So you're safe.... for now.
   
5. Sports - Dad has no time for parenting when sports are on television. And with the family of networks provided by ESPN, sports are always on. So draw your own conclusions.
   
6. Overweight - Dads are overweight and have excessive amounts of body hair.
   
7. Cooking Out - The only time Dad helps out in the kitchen is when the kitchen is outside and there is fire involved. In fact, Dad does little in the kitchen other than monitor how long the door is open.
   
8. Ties - Normal Dad's wear ties, most of which the wife hates. There's a good chance that you'll be visited by the ghost of bad ties' past.
9. You Never Talked With Dad - You and Dad never really spoke about anything important. You just gave each other hell about various things.
10. Naps - Dad took them. Despite his obvious snoring, he swears he was only "resting his eyes." This is a family favorite.
    

Sure, these have their moments of being funny. I'll concede that. But is this really what we think of our Dads? Lazy, unattached, emotionless, beer guzzlers? I hope not. These cards send a very strong message about our Dads and our American culture - one that I'm not sure we want to send.

P.S. In case you're wondering, I went with #10 for my selection. Dad always "rest his eyes." You oughta see it.

One Man Without a Truck

Chaos theory teaches us that while life may seem to happen at random, it does in fact follow certain patterns. One "pattern" is described as a strange attractor - a boundary or indicator around which chaos ensues. Examples of strange attractors can be a number of things: entertainment, education, family, self-fulfillment. It hasn't been until recently that I've really realized one of my strange attractors: moving.

I moved 14 times in college. I was only there for 4 years. I moved twice in graduate school. I'm moving at the end of next month. I moved my fraternity's headquarters -- a move that hadn't happened in 60+ years and took 17 full-sized UHauls, of which I helped load 13. I help friends load UHauls. I helped my dad, a collector of antique furniture, move 4 times. There are countless other examples.

So what does all this mean? I've decided to create my own moving company. I'd like to introduce, "One Man Without a Truck." Largely borrowed from the famous "Two Men and a Truck" moving company, the name is very telling. One man. No truck. Being a marketing major, here is a brief sketch of my company.

The concept and the market

ONE MAN WITHOUT A TRUCK® is the first and only local moving franchise system in the United States. My franchise offers customers a comprehensive array of moving services — whether it's moving one appliance, an entire household, or a business.

I have grown to become one of the most widely-used moving companies in the nation because of my assumed strength and endurance, unquestioned availability, dedication to breaking my back, and moving prowess. ONE MAN WITHOUT A TRUCK® provides people with the comfort that comes with knowing you won't have to spend any money to have your belongings moved. I am committed to enhancing and further developing my system to meet changes in the business and to remain a trusted name in helping people move.

The mission...

"My commitment is to continuously strive to exceed my friends, family, and co-workers' expectations in value (free) and high standard of satisfaction."

ONE MAN WITHOUT A TRUCK® pledges to treat customers’ possessions as if they were my own — with care, respect, and as if they were purchased at a Thrift Store.

The market...

Beginning with my first move to SVSU in 1999, ONE MAN WITHOUT A TRUCK® developed a unique high-growth market niche — free moves! While other companies charge money to move, I don't! My back is strong enough for those extra-heavy one time lifts, but can also endure the duration of a lengthy move--say a weekend or so.

The company was founded in Montrose, Mich. in 1999. It wasn't until recently when it started gaining great momentum. In addition to my consistent, high quality, free service, my jokes, complaining, sarcasm, and always-timely comic relief are invaluable to the moving process.

For booking information, please leave a comment or send me an email. Otherwise, just wait until you know I'm going to be around, and spring it on me when you see me.

Yours in moving,





Matthew Johnson
President, CEO, Mover
One Man Without a Truck

Reliving Terrible Music

Two key facts about me that you'll need to know for this story:
1. I am a commuter (2 hours a day total)
2. I am a keen cultural observer

That said, on my morning and afternoon commutes, I've noticed an influx of Creed on the radio lately, say in the last three weeks. I probably had not heard a Creed song in roughly two years, but all of a sudden, I started hearing them ALL THE TIME. With Arms Wide Open--Higher--One--My Own Prison. Surely they aren't making a comeback, were they?!!?! There isn't a movement afoot where somehow people think their music is good, is there?!? It couldn't be. Please tell me there isn't a Creed revolution.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, rest assured that Creed isn't back producing new music. It's only their Greatest Hits collection. Let's hope this doesn't spark a comeback. I don't think I could relive that era again.

Side Story: I was interviewed by the Saginaw News a number of years ago when I was student government president at SVSU. They did a profile story on me because I was a "local student leader," (translation: they had a meeting about appearing to be more civically and community-engaged) and the reporter asked me what the worst CD I've purchased in the last six months was. I told him Human Clay by Creed and he was stunned. Flabbergasted. "Creed is one of the defining bands of our generation" he told me. Two mass-commercialized crap CD's later, Creed was no more. So much for defining.

The Final Countdown

The big day is exactly 30 days away.

I think we're in good shape. Erica plans to still attend. I hear that is the most important part.

Just a few details to seal up, and we'll be walking down the aisle. We're both very excited. Be sure to check out our wedding web page link on the right side of the screen.

I Don't Want to Play This Game Anymore

As many of you know, I spend my summer evenings clad with mask, protective gear, and tens of faithful fans cheering. No, I don't work security for Major League Soccer, I am a little league umpire.

This is my third year umpiring, and although it is sometimes exhausting, I love it. It's a chance to be outside, participate in the game I love so much, and be active in the community. I umpire 4-5 nights a week. I have become friends with many of the parents in the community; they even know me by name. Many games come and go. People cheer, some even jeer. Every once in a while, I umpire a game that is truly unique. Case in point, last night's game.

It was a "kid pitch" game, so the players are 9 and 10 years old. They benefit from a greatly extended strike zone (nose to toes, 8 inches off the plate), and usually play pretty sound baseball. Last night's game featured 7 kids hit by the pitcher--five of which fell down and cried at the plate, the catcher getting hit by a bat and falling to the ground, and one kid face planting into the dirt as he rounded second base. It was a circus, and I was the ringleader. One kid flopped like a fish out of water on home plate after getting hit. Another was certain he needed x-rays. Another was ready to trade in his glove and never look back. I had some reservations about letting the game continue due to the safety of the players. Nonetheless, the game lasted only 4 innings, ending due to a mercy rule, 17-4.

I told Erica that it's funny to watch these kids sometimes. They have all the coolest gear, wear eye paint, give intimidating looks to one another, and put up a tough guy front, but when something bad happens, I, like many others, am reminded that they are indeed kids. They cry, throw tantrums, and want to quit. All part of growing up I guess. Isn't that what baseball is all about, anyway?

May Showers Bring Many Presents

Even though it's been unseasonably warm here in southwest Ohio the last few weeks, it's shower season in the lives of Matt and Erica.

The Kettering Foundation, a place known for celebrations, recently threw Erica and I a wedding shower and sent us home with many well-wishes and gifts. Here are some photos from the event:

We were the gracious recipients of a mixer, two margarita sets (for Erica, of course. . . j/k), a yogurt/ice cream/sorbet maker, bakeware, and waffle maker. Jokes were a plenty at the event, as is usually the case whenever I get put on the spot.

They say that you have to love your family because you don't get to choose them, and I agree. In many regards, the same applies to co-workers. You don't really get to choose them, either. We are so fortunate to be blessed with so many wonderful people in our lives, including the great people at the Foundation. Even if I could choose them, I wouldn't change anything about them. Well, maybe that weird guy in accounting. But that's neither here nor there. Just kidding.

Two more showers this weekend. My family's side and her family's side. Stay tuned for updates!