I Was a Hambone in College

I came across the word "hamble" today in my readings. I was forced to look up the definition, as I sometimes am when I read. Hamble means to limp or stumble when walking. Interesting, huh? Not in many online dictionaries on which I heavily rely. I had to resort to the mammoth dictionary, which is prominently displayed on a lectern in the corner of our building. In my online searchings for the word, I stumbled across the urban dictionary's closest definition, "hambone."


ham-bone
definition: Term given to male college students who are jocks, gym-rats, beer-drinkers or business majors. They generally attend frat parties and always wear a collared shirt tuck neatly into their pants. Hambones will engage in debates with other hambones that consist of "which are the best Dave Matthews Band lyrics" or the cheapest place to buy a "30-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon." The best place to spot hambones is at the gym.

usage: Dude, lets go the frat party, they'll be other hambones there and they have a beer pong table.

That is scary. That definition pretty much depicts my undergraduate experience. Replace "Dave Matthews Band" with "Poison," and you've got yourself a match. It's a good thing she wasn't scared off by my hamboning ways! 5 days and counting...

Next Sunday Night Baseball

We just found out that next Sunday after our wedding, the Detroit Tigers baseball game we have tickets to has been selected as the ESPN Sunday Night Baseball game. As you might guess, I'm more excited about this than Erica. We are hoping to get on television, and we've decided that the best way to do so is to exploit our new found marital status. What better way to do that than a flashy sign. Here it is:



Look for us Sunday night on ESPN. We'll be the ones with the biggest smiles and the coolest sign in the park!

Deleted Scene from My Favorite Movie

Micromanagement at its finest!

Jump to Conclusions Mat

Here it is. It's a prototype.

American Dad?

I was in Meijer's yesterday afternoon scoping out the perfect Father's Day card when I found myself reading almost every Father's Day card they had. I was pretty bored, Erica was out of town, but I think it was the fact that they were so engrossing. It's not that I needed a good laugh, but I couldn't help but notice the themes from the cards. Card after card, row after row, shelf after shelf, the same tired, superficial themes kept coming up. I've listed all ten themes here, in no particular order.

1. Money - Dad is a good source for money. As a kid, irrespective of your age, Dad has money. Dad's money is your money, but you have to beg for it.
   
2. Remote Control - Dad has primary jurisdiction of the remote control. Since everyone watches gobs of television, it is only right that someone reigns supreme over the programming. That is where Dad comes in, with a little help from technology.
   
3. Remorseful Behavior - You were/are a hellian, and you sort of feel bad about it. Not bad enough to genuinely tell him about it, just bad enough to have a cartoon duck tell him.
4. Beer - All dads drink beer, presumably to escape the problems that you created for him with the help of your siblings. His troubles at work are part of it, but you really compound the problem. He really appreciates it when you bring him a beer from the fridge. He's still working on a robotic device that will fetch beer for him, at which time you will be phased out. But, he's at least two years away from a prototype. So you're safe.... for now.
   
5. Sports - Dad has no time for parenting when sports are on television. And with the family of networks provided by ESPN, sports are always on. So draw your own conclusions.
   
6. Overweight - Dads are overweight and have excessive amounts of body hair.
   
7. Cooking Out - The only time Dad helps out in the kitchen is when the kitchen is outside and there is fire involved. In fact, Dad does little in the kitchen other than monitor how long the door is open.
   
8. Ties - Normal Dad's wear ties, most of which the wife hates. There's a good chance that you'll be visited by the ghost of bad ties' past.
9. You Never Talked With Dad - You and Dad never really spoke about anything important. You just gave each other hell about various things.
10. Naps - Dad took them. Despite his obvious snoring, he swears he was only "resting his eyes." This is a family favorite.
    

Sure, these have their moments of being funny. I'll concede that. But is this really what we think of our Dads? Lazy, unattached, emotionless, beer guzzlers? I hope not. These cards send a very strong message about our Dads and our American culture - one that I'm not sure we want to send.

P.S. In case you're wondering, I went with #10 for my selection. Dad always "rest his eyes." You oughta see it.

One Man Without a Truck

Chaos theory teaches us that while life may seem to happen at random, it does in fact follow certain patterns. One "pattern" is described as a strange attractor - a boundary or indicator around which chaos ensues. Examples of strange attractors can be a number of things: entertainment, education, family, self-fulfillment. It hasn't been until recently that I've really realized one of my strange attractors: moving.

I moved 14 times in college. I was only there for 4 years. I moved twice in graduate school. I'm moving at the end of next month. I moved my fraternity's headquarters -- a move that hadn't happened in 60+ years and took 17 full-sized UHauls, of which I helped load 13. I help friends load UHauls. I helped my dad, a collector of antique furniture, move 4 times. There are countless other examples.

So what does all this mean? I've decided to create my own moving company. I'd like to introduce, "One Man Without a Truck." Largely borrowed from the famous "Two Men and a Truck" moving company, the name is very telling. One man. No truck. Being a marketing major, here is a brief sketch of my company.

The concept and the market

ONE MAN WITHOUT A TRUCK® is the first and only local moving franchise system in the United States. My franchise offers customers a comprehensive array of moving services — whether it's moving one appliance, an entire household, or a business.

I have grown to become one of the most widely-used moving companies in the nation because of my assumed strength and endurance, unquestioned availability, dedication to breaking my back, and moving prowess. ONE MAN WITHOUT A TRUCK® provides people with the comfort that comes with knowing you won't have to spend any money to have your belongings moved. I am committed to enhancing and further developing my system to meet changes in the business and to remain a trusted name in helping people move.

The mission...

"My commitment is to continuously strive to exceed my friends, family, and co-workers' expectations in value (free) and high standard of satisfaction."

ONE MAN WITHOUT A TRUCK® pledges to treat customers’ possessions as if they were my own — with care, respect, and as if they were purchased at a Thrift Store.

The market...

Beginning with my first move to SVSU in 1999, ONE MAN WITHOUT A TRUCK® developed a unique high-growth market niche — free moves! While other companies charge money to move, I don't! My back is strong enough for those extra-heavy one time lifts, but can also endure the duration of a lengthy move--say a weekend or so.

The company was founded in Montrose, Mich. in 1999. It wasn't until recently when it started gaining great momentum. In addition to my consistent, high quality, free service, my jokes, complaining, sarcasm, and always-timely comic relief are invaluable to the moving process.

For booking information, please leave a comment or send me an email. Otherwise, just wait until you know I'm going to be around, and spring it on me when you see me.

Yours in moving,





Matthew Johnson
President, CEO, Mover
One Man Without a Truck

Reliving Terrible Music

Two key facts about me that you'll need to know for this story:
1. I am a commuter (2 hours a day total)
2. I am a keen cultural observer

That said, on my morning and afternoon commutes, I've noticed an influx of Creed on the radio lately, say in the last three weeks. I probably had not heard a Creed song in roughly two years, but all of a sudden, I started hearing them ALL THE TIME. With Arms Wide Open--Higher--One--My Own Prison. Surely they aren't making a comeback, were they?!!?! There isn't a movement afoot where somehow people think their music is good, is there?!? It couldn't be. Please tell me there isn't a Creed revolution.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, rest assured that Creed isn't back producing new music. It's only their Greatest Hits collection. Let's hope this doesn't spark a comeback. I don't think I could relive that era again.

Side Story: I was interviewed by the Saginaw News a number of years ago when I was student government president at SVSU. They did a profile story on me because I was a "local student leader," (translation: they had a meeting about appearing to be more civically and community-engaged) and the reporter asked me what the worst CD I've purchased in the last six months was. I told him Human Clay by Creed and he was stunned. Flabbergasted. "Creed is one of the defining bands of our generation" he told me. Two mass-commercialized crap CD's later, Creed was no more. So much for defining.