Mirroring Others

There was a time when I was really into reading self-help books such as The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and How to Win Friends and Influence People. While I don't discount the merits and utility of this popular genre, I do question how much they reinforce simple solution and a dominant leader paradigm. Nonetheless, one of the most valuable lessons that I remember and still use very regularly from them is the importance of mirroring others; that is, to use the language, body language, and mannerisms of others when trying to relate to them. If your supervisor is talking to you about a project he'd like done with her legs crossed, it might be to your benefit to do the same. If she's resting her head on her arm, you might consider doing the same, and so on. The key is to mirror nonchalantly and inconspicuously. Doing this, some argue, puts the others at ease, builds rapport, and helps break down barriers that might otherwise be an interference. Let me explain using some examples I've had in my life, including one from today.



I was a leadership consultant for my fraternity after I graduated college, which meant that I visited 34 chapters at different campuses all across the country. My job was to help strengthen their chapter operations in the course of three days. This proved to be challenging because who wants to take advice on how to improve your student organization from some strange guy living out of his vehicle who shows up for three days and then leaves? Mirroring came in extremely handy on each and every visit I did. When the chapter members would tell me about their school, their house, and their chapter, I paid very special attention to the words they used to describe them. Sometimes they'd refer to their Greek community as "frat row" or "Greek row," which I always tried to repeat later on during meetings with members of the chapter. If they spoke slowly and calmly, I did, too. If they referred to their president as "J-Scruggs" instead of "Justin Scruggs," I did, too. Further, if the person I was meeting with used a lot of hand gestures, I would, too. This did a lot to reduce barriers quickly, and, hopefully (I'd like to think so anyway), a lot to make me more effective at my job.

Another example occurred just a few hours ago. My auto mechanic called to give me an update on some repairs to my vehicle. When I dropped off my vehicle this morning and spoke with the mechanic, I was dressed in a shirt, tie, sweater, dress pants, and dress shoes, while he was wearing typical mechanic garb, complete with grease and stains. There was an obvious barrier there. I'm not incredibly repair-savvy, but I knew enough to pay very close attention to the language he used as he speculated what might be wrong. When he called me a few hours later to explain what the problem was, I incorporated his language into my questioning, and I quickly noticed a shift in how he spoke to me. It was almost as if I was able to shatter his typical explanation of what was wrong just by paying attention to the language he used, his inflections, and his tone.

I've sort of internalized this "mirroring" thing now, so it's a part of who I am at this point. I do it in face-to-face interactions, emails, and even trade proposals in fantasy sports. If someone offers me a trade and the comment sections reads something like "if you dont want him, make me an offer when your ready," I'll respond back with the same poor grammar and lack of capitalization, which I'm programmed not to do. That way, he/she doesn't feel like I'm above them in any way.

Mirroring can be a great way to diffuse barriers between people, in addition to a way to check one's own assumptions and privileges.