Headlines: Dr. Evil, Laxatives, Sports

In the course of daily readings, I come across some pretty funny stuff. I thought I'd share some with you (whoever it is that actually read this). I have put forth some actual headlines that I found today, along with the headlines that I would chose. I also provide some brief commentary on them.

Actual Headline: “Inmate Uses Laxatives to Escape Prison”
Mine: “Laxatives Help Inmate Squirt from Prison”

This was a story ran on 10/20/2006. An inmate in an Australian prison took a lot of laxatives and lost 37 pounds so he could fit through the 6 inch gap in the prison bars. He was successful, but was later caught. I doubt this story gets much press. If they used my headline instead, I suspect they’d get much more ink.

Actual Headline: “North Korea Not Planning Further Nuclear Tests”
Mine: “No Time for Tests, Kim Jong-Il in Need of More Dr. Evil Suits”

North Korea said today (Oct. 20) that they aren’t planning further tests. Is this a sign of them conceding? Hardly. I think it’s more of a sign that Kim Jong-Il needs more Dr. Evil suits for all the publicity he is getting. Look at him. You know he likes to keep it fresh. I’m pretty sure they have the same tailor.

Actual Headline: “Yanks Implode: Out in 4”
Mine: “Tigers Roar in Four”

Seriously. Give the Tigers some credit. They’re a team. Not a collection of overpaid, self-centered individuals. That’s all.

Actual Headline: “Candidate Endorses Use of Textbooks to Stop School Shootings”
Mine: “Candidate Out of Ideas to Stop Violence, Wants Name in News for Elections”

This story is almost too much. A republican candidate for state superintendent of schools in Oklahoma said Thursday he wants thick used textbooks placed under every student's desk so they can use them for self-defense during school shootings. "People might think it's kind of weird, crazy," said Republican Bill Crozier of Union City, Oklahoma, a teacher and former Air Force security officer. "It is a practical thing; it's something you can do. It might be a way to deflect those bullets until police go there."

Sometimes it’s hard to be a republican when there are stories like this.

Let’s suppose, for a minute, that this actually works, and a students successfully fends off a would be school shooter. What might some headlines be?

“Prentice Hall Protects Pupils”?

“Books Useful for Students After All”?

“Rumsfeld Right All Along: Books, not Armor, Answer for Iraq”?

Maybe not. Seems like the appropriate headline would be:

“Bush Caps Inaugural Safety Institute Opening with Personal Gun Safety Research Study.”

Ha. I think that’s pretty funny.