Jump to Conclusions Mat

Here it is. It's a prototype.

American Dad?

I was in Meijer's yesterday afternoon scoping out the perfect Father's Day card when I found myself reading almost every Father's Day card they had. I was pretty bored, Erica was out of town, but I think it was the fact that they were so engrossing. It's not that I needed a good laugh, but I couldn't help but notice the themes from the cards. Card after card, row after row, shelf after shelf, the same tired, superficial themes kept coming up. I've listed all ten themes here, in no particular order.

1. Money - Dad is a good source for money. As a kid, irrespective of your age, Dad has money. Dad's money is your money, but you have to beg for it.
   
2. Remote Control - Dad has primary jurisdiction of the remote control. Since everyone watches gobs of television, it is only right that someone reigns supreme over the programming. That is where Dad comes in, with a little help from technology.
   
3. Remorseful Behavior - You were/are a hellian, and you sort of feel bad about it. Not bad enough to genuinely tell him about it, just bad enough to have a cartoon duck tell him.
4. Beer - All dads drink beer, presumably to escape the problems that you created for him with the help of your siblings. His troubles at work are part of it, but you really compound the problem. He really appreciates it when you bring him a beer from the fridge. He's still working on a robotic device that will fetch beer for him, at which time you will be phased out. But, he's at least two years away from a prototype. So you're safe.... for now.
   
5. Sports - Dad has no time for parenting when sports are on television. And with the family of networks provided by ESPN, sports are always on. So draw your own conclusions.
   
6. Overweight - Dads are overweight and have excessive amounts of body hair.
   
7. Cooking Out - The only time Dad helps out in the kitchen is when the kitchen is outside and there is fire involved. In fact, Dad does little in the kitchen other than monitor how long the door is open.
   
8. Ties - Normal Dad's wear ties, most of which the wife hates. There's a good chance that you'll be visited by the ghost of bad ties' past.
9. You Never Talked With Dad - You and Dad never really spoke about anything important. You just gave each other hell about various things.
10. Naps - Dad took them. Despite his obvious snoring, he swears he was only "resting his eyes." This is a family favorite.
    

Sure, these have their moments of being funny. I'll concede that. But is this really what we think of our Dads? Lazy, unattached, emotionless, beer guzzlers? I hope not. These cards send a very strong message about our Dads and our American culture - one that I'm not sure we want to send.

P.S. In case you're wondering, I went with #10 for my selection. Dad always "rest his eyes." You oughta see it.

One Man Without a Truck

Chaos theory teaches us that while life may seem to happen at random, it does in fact follow certain patterns. One "pattern" is described as a strange attractor - a boundary or indicator around which chaos ensues. Examples of strange attractors can be a number of things: entertainment, education, family, self-fulfillment. It hasn't been until recently that I've really realized one of my strange attractors: moving.

I moved 14 times in college. I was only there for 4 years. I moved twice in graduate school. I'm moving at the end of next month. I moved my fraternity's headquarters -- a move that hadn't happened in 60+ years and took 17 full-sized UHauls, of which I helped load 13. I help friends load UHauls. I helped my dad, a collector of antique furniture, move 4 times. There are countless other examples.

So what does all this mean? I've decided to create my own moving company. I'd like to introduce, "One Man Without a Truck." Largely borrowed from the famous "Two Men and a Truck" moving company, the name is very telling. One man. No truck. Being a marketing major, here is a brief sketch of my company.

The concept and the market

ONE MAN WITHOUT A TRUCK® is the first and only local moving franchise system in the United States. My franchise offers customers a comprehensive array of moving services — whether it's moving one appliance, an entire household, or a business.

I have grown to become one of the most widely-used moving companies in the nation because of my assumed strength and endurance, unquestioned availability, dedication to breaking my back, and moving prowess. ONE MAN WITHOUT A TRUCK® provides people with the comfort that comes with knowing you won't have to spend any money to have your belongings moved. I am committed to enhancing and further developing my system to meet changes in the business and to remain a trusted name in helping people move.

The mission...

"My commitment is to continuously strive to exceed my friends, family, and co-workers' expectations in value (free) and high standard of satisfaction."

ONE MAN WITHOUT A TRUCK® pledges to treat customers’ possessions as if they were my own — with care, respect, and as if they were purchased at a Thrift Store.

The market...

Beginning with my first move to SVSU in 1999, ONE MAN WITHOUT A TRUCK® developed a unique high-growth market niche — free moves! While other companies charge money to move, I don't! My back is strong enough for those extra-heavy one time lifts, but can also endure the duration of a lengthy move--say a weekend or so.

The company was founded in Montrose, Mich. in 1999. It wasn't until recently when it started gaining great momentum. In addition to my consistent, high quality, free service, my jokes, complaining, sarcasm, and always-timely comic relief are invaluable to the moving process.

For booking information, please leave a comment or send me an email. Otherwise, just wait until you know I'm going to be around, and spring it on me when you see me.

Yours in moving,





Matthew Johnson
President, CEO, Mover
One Man Without a Truck

Reliving Terrible Music

Two key facts about me that you'll need to know for this story:
1. I am a commuter (2 hours a day total)
2. I am a keen cultural observer

That said, on my morning and afternoon commutes, I've noticed an influx of Creed on the radio lately, say in the last three weeks. I probably had not heard a Creed song in roughly two years, but all of a sudden, I started hearing them ALL THE TIME. With Arms Wide Open--Higher--One--My Own Prison. Surely they aren't making a comeback, were they?!!?! There isn't a movement afoot where somehow people think their music is good, is there?!? It couldn't be. Please tell me there isn't a Creed revolution.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, rest assured that Creed isn't back producing new music. It's only their Greatest Hits collection. Let's hope this doesn't spark a comeback. I don't think I could relive that era again.

Side Story: I was interviewed by the Saginaw News a number of years ago when I was student government president at SVSU. They did a profile story on me because I was a "local student leader," (translation: they had a meeting about appearing to be more civically and community-engaged) and the reporter asked me what the worst CD I've purchased in the last six months was. I told him Human Clay by Creed and he was stunned. Flabbergasted. "Creed is one of the defining bands of our generation" he told me. Two mass-commercialized crap CD's later, Creed was no more. So much for defining.

The Final Countdown

The big day is exactly 30 days away.

I think we're in good shape. Erica plans to still attend. I hear that is the most important part.

Just a few details to seal up, and we'll be walking down the aisle. We're both very excited. Be sure to check out our wedding web page link on the right side of the screen.

I Don't Want to Play This Game Anymore

As many of you know, I spend my summer evenings clad with mask, protective gear, and tens of faithful fans cheering. No, I don't work security for Major League Soccer, I am a little league umpire.

This is my third year umpiring, and although it is sometimes exhausting, I love it. It's a chance to be outside, participate in the game I love so much, and be active in the community. I umpire 4-5 nights a week. I have become friends with many of the parents in the community; they even know me by name. Many games come and go. People cheer, some even jeer. Every once in a while, I umpire a game that is truly unique. Case in point, last night's game.

It was a "kid pitch" game, so the players are 9 and 10 years old. They benefit from a greatly extended strike zone (nose to toes, 8 inches off the plate), and usually play pretty sound baseball. Last night's game featured 7 kids hit by the pitcher--five of which fell down and cried at the plate, the catcher getting hit by a bat and falling to the ground, and one kid face planting into the dirt as he rounded second base. It was a circus, and I was the ringleader. One kid flopped like a fish out of water on home plate after getting hit. Another was certain he needed x-rays. Another was ready to trade in his glove and never look back. I had some reservations about letting the game continue due to the safety of the players. Nonetheless, the game lasted only 4 innings, ending due to a mercy rule, 17-4.

I told Erica that it's funny to watch these kids sometimes. They have all the coolest gear, wear eye paint, give intimidating looks to one another, and put up a tough guy front, but when something bad happens, I, like many others, am reminded that they are indeed kids. They cry, throw tantrums, and want to quit. All part of growing up I guess. Isn't that what baseball is all about, anyway?

May Showers Bring Many Presents

Even though it's been unseasonably warm here in southwest Ohio the last few weeks, it's shower season in the lives of Matt and Erica.

The Kettering Foundation, a place known for celebrations, recently threw Erica and I a wedding shower and sent us home with many well-wishes and gifts. Here are some photos from the event:

We were the gracious recipients of a mixer, two margarita sets (for Erica, of course. . . j/k), a yogurt/ice cream/sorbet maker, bakeware, and waffle maker. Jokes were a plenty at the event, as is usually the case whenever I get put on the spot.

They say that you have to love your family because you don't get to choose them, and I agree. In many regards, the same applies to co-workers. You don't really get to choose them, either. We are so fortunate to be blessed with so many wonderful people in our lives, including the great people at the Foundation. Even if I could choose them, I wouldn't change anything about them. Well, maybe that weird guy in accounting. But that's neither here nor there. Just kidding.

Two more showers this weekend. My family's side and her family's side. Stay tuned for updates!